As we all know, the world stopped spinning yet nothing happened following the massive, ground-breaking news concerning the impending divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries (after just 72 days of wedded bliss), a fate that no one saw coming except for everyone who knew it was a sham wedding. So basically: everyone. Anyway, that’s why Jessica Simpson had to wait until this morning to break the news that she was pregnant, even though she actually broke the news last night but once again: world stopped turning. Blame Kim. For everything. Us Weekly reports:

Dressed as a mummy and holding her already-famous baby bump, Simpson, 31, writes, “It’s true, I’m going to be a mummy!” The baby-to-be will be the first for the singer and designer and her fiance Eric Johnson. Simpson has been the subject of baby speculation for months, thanks to an increasingly undeniable baby bump sported during recent outings in L.A., NYC and elsewhere. Yale grad and former NFL pro Johnson, 32, proposed to Simpson back in November 2010 after about six months of dating.

The really funny part about this is that Jessica and her dad Joe Simpson were both waiting on someone to pay $500,000 in order to score the rights to break the story, which is sort of like keeping a narwhal in the middle of the living room and then waiting for someone to write you a check before you actually acknowledge it. “Oh that? That’s just our new chandelier. We have to water and feed it fish every couple of hours, but it’s a chandelier and not an aquatic mammal. But for the right price …”

After about fifty or so failed guesses, it looks like Jessica Simpson might be, like, REALLY pregnant this time. No, seriously. Actual pregnancy. Which is kinda weird because for the past week she’s been holding out for money before she actually announced it, but at this point she couldn’t be making this any more obvious if she had the ultrasound pinned to the front of her shirt with a big neon arrow pointing to her uterus. Us Weekly reports:

Engaged to beau Eric Johnson for nearly a year, the star rocked her curves — and held her midsection — wearing over-sized yellow sunglasses a loose-fitting, cold-weather poncho. In a sideways shot taken earlier that day, Simpson’s belly appeared a bit larger than usual. Simpson has been the subject of persistent pregnancy rumors over the past couple months, but has remained mum on the subject. One thing on her mind? The beautiful, sad music of indie rock sensation Bon Iver!

Not gonna lie: it kinda blows my mind that the woman who couldn’t understand that “chicken of the sea” is an idiom or that showing your pregnancy hand when you’re holding out for that sweet, sweet tabloid money can somehow understand the complexities of Bon Iver. Or that she can even say his name considering it’s a play on a french phrase. “Who’s this Good Winter guy? Cuz he sounds amazing! Or is it a girl? High voices confuse me …”

PHOTO | FAME PICTURES

So despite the fact that I think there’s a story about how Jessica Simpson looks pregnant but is actually just a little chubby something like every other week here (I mean holy shit, she’s a couple extra pounds overweight. Have you ever considered the baby inside of her might be of the food variety?) reports are circulating that Jessica might be pregnant with her man Eric Johnson‘s baby. Again with the dumbass reports, I just … whatever. Here’s Showbiz Spy with the possible non-story:

The singer-and-actress is said to be expecting a baby with her former NFL player fiance, Eric Johnson, and has already been having some weird cravings. “She’s already having kooky cravings, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate, which satisfies her urge for salty and sweet. She’s also developed a taste for cheesy popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas,” a source said. Speculation has been rife for weeks that Jessica was pregnant after she was pictured wearing loose-fitting clothing and the news was confirmed at Eric’s recent 32nd birthday party after she sent back a celebratory glass of champagne.

First off, considering how many goddamn times this non-story has come up, I’m not buying it until I see the ultrasounds. And second, nachos in chocolate sauce? Cheesy popcorn? Non-alcoholic margaritas? Holy shit, I’d slip a pillow under my shirt and tell everyone I was crowning too if it meant I could cram all of that into my mouth. “Yup, my … um, my vagina is just getting, like, super big right now. Yup, looks like I’m laying my baby. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to take this bucket of cocoa Doritos into the bathroom with me and just squeeze this thing out into the toilet. Don’t worry, I saw it on, like, every episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”